No Wonder I Take a Drink Read online

When he was a wee lad and had been naughty I used to say that and Steven would kid on he was scared. Now he grabbed my fist and play-wrestled me. I was squealing and laughing but I sobered up. We had serious stuff to discuss.

  ‘You’re not really going to stay here with Nettie?’

  ‘Why not? I’m not staying with Dad, no danger. He grounds me for being late, for swearing, for not studying. He even grounded me for farting in front of Helga.’

  ‘Why, was it her turn?’

  ‘Very funny. Helga’s okay actually. If you knew her you’d like her. She doesn’t try and be my mum or anything, she doesn’t even try and be my pal, she’s just quiet, gets on with her own stuff. It’s him that does my head in.’

  ‘I thought you didn’t like living with old ladies.’

  ‘That was different. Gran was sick. I was in the way.’

  ‘You were never in the way Steven.’

  ‘Well I felt as if I was.’

  ‘But you can’t stay here! Nettie’s house is rotten with damp.’

  ‘Och, she says that but it’s fine. Have you seen the rooms? The council have spent a fortune doing the place up. It’s fine.’

  ‘Right that’s it. You’ve had your fun Steven. You’re coming back to Inverfaughie with me. Get your bag.’

  ‘Mum. Newsflash. I haven’t lived with you for more than two years. The days of you telling me what to do are over.’

  I started greeting again at that. It had been a strange day for greeting. Steven was right. I couldn’t force him and anyway, he needed to be here for his exams. As I sat sniffling Steven put his arm around me but he didn’t take back what he had said.

  ‘You’re still coming up for the Easter holidays though, aren’t you?’

  ‘Of course I am. It’ll be great. I’ve invited Gerry, if that’s okay.’

  I’d been looking forward to spending two weeks with him. His friend Gerry coming would mean I wouldn’t have time alone with Steven but I supposed it would be okay, what choice did I have?

  Jackie came out and politely chapped the car window.

  ‘Nettie says you’ve to come in, your tea’s getting cold.’

  Nettie had made a mountain of sandwiches and gave us proper teacups and saucers. She was tickled pink to have so many visitors in her house all at once. She spoiled us rotten with Tunnock’s Teacakes and Caramel Logs. I’d forgotten how good Caramel Logs were and made a mental note to order some from Jenny. To Nettie’s delight Jackie and I demolished all of her sandwiches and when we were finished I helped her clear off the tea things into the kitchen. I wanted a word with her about Steven’s keep.

  ‘It’s a pleasure to have him Trisha love. He’ll be great company for me.’

  I could see that there would be a few advantages for Steven. So besotted was she with her only great-nephew and so grateful for his company that Nettie would run after him hand and foot. She’d clean up his mess, wash his clothes, bring him his tea by the fire to the chair where her work-weary husband Tommy used to sit, and feed him unlimited amounts of sandwiches and Tunnock’s Teacakes. Nettie would train him to be a good old-fashioned West of Scotland man. A man handless and unable to look after himself in the real world. Bob and I would have to work together for damage limitation on this one.

  ‘Well if you insist Trisha, what about, say, thirty pounds a week?’

  Little did she know that Steven could eat thirty quid’s-worth of biscuits a week never mind everything else. But Nettie didn’t want to waste time discussing it. She wanted to talk about something else.

  ‘Oh he’s a lovely big man you’ve brought, Jackie, isn’t it? And he’s a Robertson too apparently?’

  ‘Yes, Inverfaughie’s full of Robertsons.’

  ‘But apparently no relation to me or your Mum. How are you getting on up there in your wee Heilan hame then Trisha?’

  ‘Aye fine thanks Nettie.’

  ‘Och you’re so lucky. I wish I was in your shoes hen. And Jackie says it’s lovely up there apparently.’

  Mr O’Hare my lawyer had officially put it in writing that Nettie had no claim on Harrosie. I knew she had a copy of the letter, Mr O’Hare told me he’d sent it recorded delivery. But she wasn’t going to let it go.

  ‘I’ve looked out all the old papers but I cannae find a Robertson in our family. Now I know I’m no going to be popular when I say this but I think there’s something funny going on.’

  ‘What do you mean Nettie?’

  ‘I mean there’s jiggery-pokery has went on here.’

  It was half two in the morning and I had a five hour drive ahead of me, I couldn’t expect Jackie to drive any longer. I was anxious to get started, although if I’d known then what was going to happen between me and Jackie, I wouldn’t have been so keen.

  ‘Thanks for looking after Steven, Nettie, I really appreciate it. I’ll have to go, it’s a long drive back.’

  ‘Och you’re not wise driving all that way in the middle of the night. Apparently it’s hundreds of miles.’

  ‘Yes, apparently.’

  Chapter 12

  Jackie didn’t want me to drive but it wasn’t fair on him so I finally talked him round. We agreed that we’d spell each other, an hour at a time. I took the first shift while he got his head down. The only other traffic on the motorway were delivery trucks which trundled along in the slow lane. I expected to be exhausted with all the drama Steven had caused and I was surprised by how awake I felt once we were back out in the cold night air.

  Jackie conked out right away. He looked absolutely knackered. The stubble on his cheek was coming in white and with his face relaxed in sleep, he seemed much older. He snored in steady little piggy grunts but instead of it annoying me the way it did with Bob, I found it quite sweet. Jackie was nowhere near as handsome when he was asleep. He looked kind of sleazy. I could easily imagine him with a fag in one hand and a whisky in the other, maybe a Racing Post stuck under his arm. He looked like the kind of guy who liked the bookies and the ladies. He looked sexy. When I pulled out to overtake his head slid around on the headrest, and his mouth fell open. I could feel his rhythmic breath on my arm and I liked it.

  It was strange just how comfortable I’d become with Jackie. The crisis had accelerated our relationship. In the space of a few hours we’d kissed, hugged and argued. He’d seen me being sick and I’d heard him snore. He’d met my family and we had spent the night together. We were practically engaged.

  I would have let him sleep on, but Jackie woke after exactly an hour, as if he’d set an alarm clock. I wanted to keep driving but he made me pull in at the next service station. In the shop I bought us coffees, cans of Coke, a packet of barley sugar sweets and loads of chocolate. I was supposed to take my turn sleeping but the caffeine and chocolate kicked in and made me a bit high and giggly.

  ‘What a mental night! I’ve had more excitement tonight than I’ve had in the whole time I’ve been in Inverfaughie. In some ways it’s been great.’

  ‘Great?’

  Jackie looked at me as if I was daft.

  ‘Sorry. I was forgetting it probably hasn’t been much fun for you.’

  ‘It’s been fine for me. It’s yourself I was thinking of, you were awful upset.’

  ‘Och yeah but he’s safe now, I knew it would be all right in the end. I had a feeling about it, a mother’s instinct.’

  I flapped my hands around casually.

  ‘At least I got to see Steven and I think it did Bob good to sweat a little.’

  ‘I seem to remember you were doing a fair bit of sweating yourself, my girl, in between crying and chucking up, that is.’

  That made me laugh. Jackie laughed too, nodding his head, forcing me to admit it. The other thing that made me laugh, made me hug myself inside, was the fact that he’d called me my girl.

  ‘Well, that’s weans for you. Troublesome, ungrateful gits.’

  Jackie smiled and grunted.

  It occurred to me that I didn’t know if Jackie had any kids. I didn’t know ver
y much about him at all and I wanted to know everything.

  ‘Tell me your life story Jackie.’

  ‘Och, away you go!’

  ‘Oh come on, tell me, it’ll make the time go faster and it’ll keep you awake. You can miss out the boring bits if you want but tell me everything else.’

  ‘It’s all boring bits.’

  ‘It can’t be.’

  ‘Well, I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.’

  ‘It’s a deal.’

  ‘You have to go first.’

  ‘But you already know everything about me! You know about Steven and Bob and you’ve met the lovely Nettie. There’s not much more to tell.’

  ‘Tell it.’

  ‘Well, I was born at a very young age…’

  I went on in that flippant vein, skimming over my lack of academic achievement, embellishing my career in medical sales and giving him the gory details of my marriage breakdown. Jackie was very interested in my childhood and asked loads of questions about Mum and Dad. I answered him as honestly as I could, I wanted him to know me. Yes, they were happily married, and yes, definitely, my dad was a great dad. As an only child I’d had a lot of my parents’ time and attention. I told him about our holidays to the caravan site and the way Dad always let me bury him in the sand, even although he was freezing. I talked on and on about Mum. I explained that being with her through her illness wasn’t as depressing as it sounded, a lot of the time it was good fun. Of course I missed her but I was glad it was over. He asked me lots of daft things too, like was I musical and did I have any interesting moles. That was a bit saucy but I rolled up my jeans and showed him the one behind my knee. Then it was his turn.

  We had a lot of things in common. He also was born at a very young age, also an only child and useless at school.

  ‘I didn’t get on with my father. He kicked me out of the house when I was sixteen. I wanted out of the village anyway, I went into the Navy. Signed on for nine years.’

  ‘My dad was in the Navy, the Merchant Navy but it was before I was born. Did you ever meet a Hughie McNicholl?’

  ‘There were a lot of Hughies in the Navy, especially the first day we sailed. Everyone was leaning over the side and shouting, Hughie!’

  ‘Jackie, that joke is nearly as old as you are.’

  ‘Anyway, it was the Royal Navy I was in.’

  ‘Oh excuse me! What as, a cabin boy?’

  Picturing Jackie in a uniform struck me as funny.

  ‘Sort of. I was a steward in the officers’ mess, but I saw the world: America, the Gulf, Africa, all over. It was a great life.’

  ‘Why did you leave?’

  ‘For love. I had a girl in Plymouth. We got married and came back to Inverfaughie. We opened a restaurant, La Belle Dame. There were a few in the town who thought I had a cheek coming back with enough money behind me to open a restaurant and call it a fancy French name. I put all my severance money in to it, but it didn’t work out.

  We were in a car crash, a stupid accident. I don’t really remember what happened but we ended up in a field. We were lucky to get out alive. That’s why I didn’t want you to drive that road on your own with a drink in you. It was bad, we were both smashed up, Marie worse than me, she broke both legs. She was never the same after that. Her family interfered, they took her back to Plymouth, to look after her. I don’t blame her. I know she missed them. My father, like everyone else in the town, never accepted Marie. She was a white settler, an incomer, but worst of all she was English. I struggled on with the restaurant but it was no use. There were a few who must have laughed up their sleeves.’

  ‘Did you and Marie divorce?’

  Just checking.

  ‘Och aye, her family saw to that.’

  ‘And you never remarried?’

  Just checking.

  ‘Not at all.’

  That was another thing we had in common.

  Jackie had obviously been uncomfortable telling me this. Swapping life stories had been a bad idea. Revisiting the past had put us both in a melancholy mood or maybe it was just tiredness. To perk him up I asked him about life in the Navy. ‘I was the youngest on board and that made me a kind of mascot.

  I was involved in the ceremony as we sailed across the equatorial line. Here, these services are open. Will we stop?’

  We stopped for a pee and petrol. Jackie got more chocolate and coffee and he refused to let me pay for them. When we got back in the car I wanted him to continue talking. I was enjoying the sound of his voice.

  ‘Och, no more stories now. Lie back and close your eyes. If you’re going to be driving you’ll need to get some sleep.’

  I did as I was told. I was getting to like the way Jackie bossed me about.

  I woke up as we were leaving the A9, out the other side of Inverness. I’d slept for two hours.

  ‘Jackie, you should have wakened me!’

  I drew my hand across my wet chin. I must have been slebbering in my sleep, how attractive was that?

  ‘Och you’re all right, I need to drive this last bit anyway. From here to Inverfaughie is the tricky bit but we’ll just take it easy. There’s no hurry.’

  Jackie opened the window to liven himself up. It let in a cold blast but I got used to it quickly. The road was deserted.

  ‘Keep me company. Put the radio on.’

  We were still too far out for Inverfaughie FM so we had some more Radio 2 and this time he didn’t hum, he sang. He had a great voice and he seemed to know the words to every record they played. An old Eagles song came on, ‘Peaceful Easy Feeling’, and Jackie was giving it laldy. His enthusiasm was catching, I joined in at the chorus and attempted a harmony but it went horribly wrong. I sounded like a donkey being castrated but it was a laugh, the two of us belting it out as we skelped along the empty road. We curved round the lochs and up over the hills as if we were in a car advert. With every song the sky was getting lighter and lighter and we were getting nearer to Inverfaughie. Sleep deprivation had made me light-headed, I was enjoying myself so much I didn’t want us to ever get there. But all good things must come to an end and inevitably we saw the town in the distance.

  My house was roasting hot when we went in. I was in such a rush to leave I’d forgotten to turn the heating off.

  ‘Oh my God! The radiators have been on all night!’

  ‘Your heating bill is going to be sky high.’

  ‘Och well, at least it’s nice and welcoming. Sit yourself down Jackie and I’ll stick the kettle on.’

  ‘Don’t be daft lassie, I’ll get away and let you get to your bed.’

  ‘Let me get to my bed nothing. You’ve just driven a five-hundred-mile mercy mission. The least I can offer you is a cup of tea. And we’re not sitting on these hard kitchen chairs. Take a saft seat through in the parlour and I’ll bring you in your tea. Could you manage a wee roll and bacon?’

  Jackie was too tired to put up an argument and went as meek as a lamb into the parlour. As I defrosted the rolls and got the bacon on, a line from the Eagles song kept running through my head.

  And I want to sleep with you in the desert tonight, with a million stars all around.

  Well it wasn’t night-time and Inverfaughie was far from being the desert, but otherwise the song was absolutely spot on. Not because I was horny, I was too knackered to feel sexy and I was sure Jackie must feel the same, we were neither of us teenagers. While I buttered the rolls I chuckled to myself remembering the elaborate preparations I made for the great seduction last night. Last night seemed a million miles away now. Funny how things turn out, I thought, I’d got my wish, to spend the night with Jackie. Not the way I‘d intended but, despite the fortune I’d shelled out in petrol and the heating bills, I was glad. I’d slept alone for years now and hardly noticed but if Jackie had got on his bike and went home I’d have been gutted.

  I carried a tray through to the parlour with the cutlery and condiments and was pleased to see he’d taken my advice. He was lying on the couch with his e
yes shut and his arms folded. I was so busy looking at him that I tripped over something and the tray went flying. The tomato sauce bottle fell and scooshed out on to the carpet and over Jackie’s boots.

  That’s what I had tripped over, Jackie’s big black gardening boots. They were no longer attached to Jackie’s legs and lay slap bang in the middle of the floor. He had taken them off so’s not to dirty my couch. It was sweet that he felt comfortable enough to take his boots off. I took them back into the kitchen and cleaned them out as best I could. Jackie was sound asleep so the bacon could wait a minute.

  The right boot only had sauce on the outside so that was easily wiped clean. Unfortunately the sauce bottle had exploded all over the inside of the left one. I mopped out the blood-red gunge with kitchen roll but the instep still felt greasy. Now I squirted washing-up liquid into it and attacked it with a cloth soaked in boiling water.

  The boots were huge, size twelve or thirteen, if they made such a size, and my mind slid momentarily in to the gutter as I wondered if the rest of Jackie was of similar proportions. Not that it mattered, Jackie could have been endowed with a button mushroom for all the difference it would have made to me.

  Too tired to think straight, I was making an arse of cleaning the boot. The more I tried the worse I made it, the boot becoming soapier and wetter. I tried to dry it off with an old towel but by this time the leather was soaking. The only way I’d get it dry quickly was if I blow-dried it with my hairdryer and there was no way I was attempting that at this time, the bacon would be getting cold. The best thing to do was to turn the heating back on again and hang the boot over the kitchen radiator.

  When I went back into the parlour Jackie was still fast asleep with his outsize feet hanging off the end of the couch. I sat on the floor leaning against him while I half-heartedly dabbed at the tomato sauce on the carpet. A teaspoon had fallen on to Jackie’s chest. As I reached over to pick it off him I grazed my lips, faintly, hardly at all, against his. It was nice to have him on my couch, my sleeping beauty, unaware that I was taking liberties.

  I poked him and he woke up with a start, a bit embarrassed I think that he had fallen asleep. He budged up to let me sit down beside him, wiping his eyes and taking the plate from my hand. Too tired for conversation we scoffed our bacon rolls and tea in silence. When we finished I didn’t even clear the plates away, I just dumped them on the tray on the floor. I fancied a smoke and then realised that I hadn’t even thought of smoking for the last twenty-four hours.